All you gotta do is be honest with yourself sometimes

Here I am starting this post, having so much to express this right very minute, and I don’t even know how to name it. Maybe it’s not supposed to have a title, it’s not like everything has to be labelled right?

I feel like writing, cuz I feel quit lost today. This week actually. Okay since December probably. Lost in a way that I’m trying to confront myself about my inconsistency in everything I start doing. University, jobs, relationships, everything somehow goes to hell after some time passes.

Why does this happen? Well, I came to the conclusion that I’m lazy, always postponing my actions, until it’s too late and I miss the train. But it seems I always find the best excuses not to do something I got to do, or do something I’m not supposed to do.

The second option is that I’m afraid of doing certain things, because I keep thinking I’ll fail them, if they seem too big to be done by me. This however seems unlikely to be accurate because I’ve been through a lot in my life, since when I was a child, and I like to think of myself that I can achieve everything and there’s no such thing as fear in my mind.

The only thing I fear is the well being of my family, friends, people I love. I really don’t know how to talk to them, to offer support when they need it, probably because they don’t see me as a grown up man yet, even if I’m very close to my 30’s. And they need a lot of support and encouragement since these last 2 months have been very bad for the family. 2 really heavy tragedies happened and it shook us all quite a lot.

I guess I should’ve been more reactive in offering support and nice words because I study a social science and everybody expects of me to know everything about people at any given time, but that’s just not possible, even if you’re a professional.

However, the real reason why I didn’t offer better support to them was probably because I was too lost in all of it, most definitely more than them. It seems that I cannot for some reason, speak to my family as I can with friends. I’m great in motivating people to love life, to live life, to cherish every moment, good or bad, but I just can’t do it with my family.

Few lines back, I got a call and was offered a job. Didn’t expect it to be honest, I thought I fucked it up during the interview, but guess what – they want me. I think I’ll accept it. Just wanna talk about it with my best friend. I respect her opinion quite a lot.

That’s it for today, I guess all you gotta do is be honest with yourself sometimes, makes you see things clearly, see where all the pieces go in this puzzle called life…

What’s stopping me from becoming the best version of me?

The word that comes to my mind, and that answers the question in the title is insecurity. Yeah, I feel insecure of success actually, not of failure but of success. Why? I wish I knew!

Maybe of all those dreams I had, that one day I’ll be this and this, or that and that,  I could feel, smell, be all these dreams, which at the end, did not come true, I did not become any of it, instead I became what I am today – a man living not even closely to his full potential. I’ve been disappointed so much and so many times that I guess my brain said enough is enough, go back to your comfy zone and be an average Joe.

It sounds weird and unusual to be afraid of success, as to why would you be afraid of all the good things in life happening to you? It’s not normal, not sein right? But yet again, I’m afraid of heights, and not every type of height, but only when standing on tall buildings. Not airplanes, not of the height of a tree for example, or mountain, but specifically and only when I’m on a building, higher than the 3rd floor, and when I look down, my legs feel like jelly and all I want to do is get of the edge. So, normal is not how I would describe myself.

I keep pushing myself, to do things that bring success in my life, like with work, building and keeping friendships, relationships, family… and not a long time ago I’ve realized that I’ve been pushing myself so much to move towards to the good side of life because I’m afraid to feel it in a way. I guess I’m still getting used to the fact that I am in a much healthier state now, no pain, no hospitals, no issues with health whatsoever.

I was used to doing things because I had to, my autoimmune decease would not let me relax not even for a second during what should’ve been the best period in life – the adolescence, but being a teenager for me meant dealing with life threatening health issues, while trying to tame my hormones and trying to understand how life works.

Now, that I don’t have the problem anymore, and my life became more peaceful and free, it feels like I don’t need to fight for anything anymore, and that gives me no sense, no direction towards which I could orientate myself to.

So, a few months ago, I’ve decided that I’ll be fighting for my family and the loved ones around me. I thought, since I don’t feel motivated enough to fight for my success in life, then I’ll try to fight for the well being of the ones I love. And it works, although sometimes, actually scratch that, most of the times, they don’t know how to appreciate it. But hell , I do this for me too, not for them only.

Even writing this post took so long, but is sure feels damn good to express to myself what I feel, again towards myself. I’m amazing when it comes to solving other people’s problems, but terrible when it comes to solving mine.

Writing’s scary…

I feel scared to write. In a way, writing makes me open up too much, way too much, way too honest for me. I intend to run away from myself, from my thoughts. It’s scary dealing with myself. I can be me, I can live me, but I cannot think about me.

When I write, I intend to tell things that I don’t tell even to my best friend. Why I don’t tell her any of this, I don’t know. Fear maybe, fear of being judged, or fear of being seen as I really am…

I know she loves me for who I am, my friend accepts me, like I accept her. She truly cares when she criticizes me, I like when she does that. Makes me think there’s someone on this world which truly cares for me, for my happiness, besides my family. For me, the family caring and loving me seems like a normal thing, for some it doesn’t. That’s probably why I give so much in friendships and get so disappointed when they end. Same thing in relationships.

See, for me friendship is holly. Finding someone which supports me and tells me when they think I’m wrong is great. I love being criticized by my friends. Same as we all love having a good night out with our besties.

Yet, I always encourage people around me to open up, to express what’s bothering them. I find it very brave when they do this. A thing which I sadly, cannot do. And don’t get me wrong, I’m a very sensitive person. Great listener, great friend, as I’ve been told and a few friends also said that they’re lucky to have me in their lives. I seem to emit self confidence, trust, security and stability. Although, I don’t really feel like this.

Writing seems like a mirror, what I write, reflects back to me, in my mind and makes me realize some harsh truths about me. And that freaks me out. I don’t know how did I manage to spend so much time indoors, in bed, while being sick during so long times and to escape my thoughts. That must be the reason why I became so good at running away from myself. All that training, payed of, to make me so strong on the outside, and so weak on the inside. Damn it burns when I write these lines.

This makes me realize, I do psychology to try to help people open up and fix their lives, something I can’t do. And I offer so much energy because I know they can do it, if there’s just someone to encourage them. I love it when someone makes it and I’ve been part of that success. Love seeing people be happy.

It’s not laziness, it’s not lack of motivation or not willing to work for it, it’s just that somehow, I get scared of something, there’s a thing that blocks me, and I don’t know what is it. I bet when I do find out, I could do great things with my life. Till then, I’ll just keep fighting not to drawn, floating to the surface from time to time, breathing air just to get me through the next minute under water.

I’ll just light up and sleep afterwards. Makes it easier to fall asleep.

 

 

 

This blog will be my escape place for my thoughts that cannot be said in reality

It’s been long time since I had a blog. I guess I didn’t feel the need to write, as I write only when I feel that I can’t tell it to any of my friends, or I prefer it staying just for me.

Sometimes I think it’s a weakness to tell others when I suffer, which I know it’s bad, but f it, that’s me. I don’t just hide my emotions, I bury them, until they become too heavy to cope with.I always felt that I’m too complicated to tell my deepest fears and secrets to anyone that knows me. My closest friends know stuff, but never everything, which is kinda odd, considering that my studies are supposed to encourage people talking about their problems.

I don’t get it why I’m so closed regarding my fears and feelings. When I think of this question, which I often do, I keep wondering that it might be the fear to fully reveal myself, like, that would show I’m not this self confident guy, that everybody thinks I am.

But, anyway, this is one of the many wrong views people have on me, so it’s not a big surprise. People see and believe in what they wanna see and believe in. Can’t change their views on someone or something if themselves don’t wanna do that. Simple as that.

These last couple of weeks were filled with unexpected moments and evenings, that made me feel overwhelmed and made me feel tired of fighting with every day life. Too many thoughts about my ex, too much alcohol and smoking, too many things happening after being wasted. I hate drinking, but it somehow always finds its way into my life. It’s like the alcohol’s trying to seduce me with its specialty – to make you forget about all of your problems for one night, even though you know you’ll feel worse the next day. It’s madness.

I’m happy tonight that I saw her, I won’t lie to myself. She’s amazing. But I’m kinda happier to be starting this blog, where I can tell her everything, even though she’ll never find out.

I avoid telling her because we’re good friends, but will be terrible in a relationship. Both of us cheaters, both of us uncontrollable when we’re drunk, we’ll hate each other after we fuck it up, and I know that I’ll miss her after the break up, which I see as unavoidable.

This is why I will try my best not to tell her anything about my feelings towards her, actually, I don’t even know if they’re real.I don’t feel in love with her, I don’t feel even close to this. But, each time she’s around, she makes me feel great, with her, I feel that time goes so fast, and that everything’s going to be okay. And I only know her for 2 months.