Here I am starting this post, having so much to express this right very minute, and I don’t even know how to name it. Maybe it’s not supposed to have a title, it’s not like everything has to be labelled right?
I feel like writing, cuz I feel quit lost today. This week actually. Okay since December probably. Lost in a way that I’m trying to confront myself about my inconsistency in everything I start doing. University, jobs, relationships, everything somehow goes to hell after some time passes.
Why does this happen? Well, I came to the conclusion that I’m lazy, always postponing my actions, until it’s too late and I miss the train. But it seems I always find the best excuses not to do something I got to do, or do something I’m not supposed to do.
The second option is that I’m afraid of doing certain things, because I keep thinking I’ll fail them, if they seem too big to be done by me. This however seems unlikely to be accurate because I’ve been through a lot in my life, since when I was a child, and I like to think of myself that I can achieve everything and there’s no such thing as fear in my mind.
The only thing I fear is the well being of my family, friends, people I love. I really don’t know how to talk to them, to offer support when they need it, probably because they don’t see me as a grown up man yet, even if I’m very close to my 30’s. And they need a lot of support and encouragement since these last 2 months have been very bad for the family. 2 really heavy tragedies happened and it shook us all quite a lot.
I guess I should’ve been more reactive in offering support and nice words because I study a social science and everybody expects of me to know everything about people at any given time, but that’s just not possible, even if you’re a professional.
However, the real reason why I didn’t offer better support to them was probably because I was too lost in all of it, most definitely more than them. It seems that I cannot for some reason, speak to my family as I can with friends. I’m great in motivating people to love life, to live life, to cherish every moment, good or bad, but I just can’t do it with my family.
Few lines back, I got a call and was offered a job. Didn’t expect it to be honest, I thought I fucked it up during the interview, but guess what – they want me. I think I’ll accept it. Just wanna talk about it with my best friend. I respect her opinion quite a lot.
That’s it for today, I guess all you gotta do is be honest with yourself sometimes, makes you see things clearly, see where all the pieces go in this puzzle called life…